I wanted to post about this because I feel like I haven't really made it clear how much it truly bothered me. Let me start at the beginning.
I was pregnant, my due date was December 28th. I was determined that I would finally have a vbac, after having two cesareans with my other boys. I did some research and found the best doctor for the job in the area. I went to see her and she was very encouraging about it, saying we would definitely be able to try it. The pregnancy was very healthy, myself and baby Gabe were doing great! I signed up to take Bradley method classes and a very thoughtful and gracious person anonymously paid the vast majority of our way. We hired a doula, did the brewers diet, the exercises, the relaxation practice, and the homework. We were prepared. We were confident. My parents planned to come visit us for Christmas and a few weeks afterward to help with everything. But December 28th cane and went, and the doctors were starting to worry, as they often do when women go past their due date. They started wanting me to come in for monitoring and ultrasounds to make sure all was still well. It was, except the fluid levels were starting to go down a slight bit. At 41 weeks, we were given an ultimatum. We were to decide whether we wanted a c section or induction, and what day we wanted to come in for it. My husband and I decided on 42 weeks.
We went in for the induction Sunday December 10th, first thing in the morning so we could have a decent sleep at home the night before (they had wanted me to come in Saturday night). They placed the dilation balloon (ugh, not comfy at all) and started me on an iv (which I knew would have to happen for the pitocin but I was still disappointed in my lack of comfort and mobility) and placed the baby monitor on me. I made a deal with the Dr/nurses that they would let me walk around without the monitor for twenty minutes every hour, and made it clear that I wanted to be able to eat and drink as well. So the first Dr that was there allowed me only a liquid diet for lunch. My morale stayed up, and the contractions were easy to deal with. The second doctor allowed me real food for supper, for which I was extremely grateful. We watched the karate kid marathon that was on tv and slept on and off. The balloon finally came out around midnight, and the nurse kept coming in to increase the pitocin, which made it impossible to sleep more than 2 minutes at a time because the contractions kept coming and they were more difficult and painful so I woke up during them. Finally we asked the nurse to wait to up the pitocin again until I had gotten some sleep. So she agreed, but said it would make my labor go longer. Sleep didn't come any easier after that, so in the morning I was just completely exhausted. I had a liquid diet for breakfast, and sat up and rocked in the rocking chair for a while. I kept falling asleep sitting up and kept lying down for naps. They started upping the pitocin again and the contractions were horrendous. It felt like I was being stabbed with knives in my lower back and stomach areas. Husband and doula helped me through by pressing on my back, but they were still absolutely awful. I decided to get an epidural at that point, because I'd been laboring for 30 hours already and simply couldn't deal anymore, especially because of my lack of sleep. When the anesthesiologist finally got in the room and did the epidural, it ended up not working in most of the areas it was supposed to. It made my right thigh numb and slightly relieved the contraction pain in my right side. They had me lay on my left side to see if that would help, and put more medication in, and finally pulled it out a bit to see if it would reposition. It did not work. At this point I was sleepier than ever and just wanted to rest. In between emergency c sections, the Dr would come in and ask us to consider upping the pitocin and breaking my water. Also, the anesthesiologist was going to re do the epidural, but because of the emergency c sections I didn't see him for a few hours. We told them to let me rest for an hour and then we'd let them know how we wanted to proceed. After the hour, I was still completely exhausted and physically spent. I decided to have a c section because I knew I could not make myself labor any longer. So they turned off the pitocin and prepped me over the next few hours.
They wheeled me back to the o.r. around 8pm Monday the 11th. It was absolutely freezing in there, and I was shivering, as I was only wearing a hospital gown and hair cap. They apologized to me, but they needed to do the epidural. They told me not to worry, cause if the epidural didn't work they would just put me to sleep during it (which actually made me super nervous... I prayed and prayed it would work). They finished and had me lie back on the super narrow bed with the little arm things stretched out. They put the sheet up and my shoulders and neck started to really really hurt. The surgery began and I could feel a bit of pain. I let them know so he added to the epidural. I felt quite a bit of pain at my bottom right side. I find him again, he added more medication to the epidural. I started to feel nauseated so I told him and he gave me medicine to help with that. Finally, after they got Gabe out, I couldn't feel them sew me up, but my shoulders still hurt so I told him and he gave me a bit of pain medicine and that helped a lot. I drifted in and out of napping. Finally the surgery was done and they wheeled me into recovery, which was nice because I was shivering and they gave me warm blankets and more pain medicine. I got to nurse Gabe for the first time and a few hours later they wheeled me to my postpartum room, where the nurses helped me and Gabe settle for the night, but made us watch a stupid safe sleep DVD even though I was exhausted and out of it from the meds and it was past midnight. They did their regular coming in every few hours to check Gabe's temp and heart rate and my blood pressure. The nursehelped mea lot with pain management, thankfully, and I slept fairly well. The next day it was very difficult to get up, but I did, and I struggled with pain until they switched me from iv meds to pills. The day after, I had horrendous gas pains that took hours to go away, and I took a few walks and drank some warm apple juice. That evening, I started doing better, but felt I needed to stay in the hospital until Friday instead of Thursday morning. But they discharged me Thursday morning. Which was good, I figure, because I got to go home and all. My parents were there and helped me A LOT until they had to leave a week and a half later, and people kept bringing us meals, which has been very encouraging.
I was very depressed the evening my parents had to leave. They had been here for almost an entire month, so I know they couldn't stay longer, but I was very sad because I knew I had lots of long days ahead of trying to recover while taking care of the boys by myself. When I got almost to two weeks postpartum, I decided to try driving (the nurse had said I could drive after two weeks). I felt rather lightheaded when I started to drive, so I turned around and came home, greatly discouraged because I knew that meant I wouldn't be able to pick the boys up from school yet, which is one thing that I really need to be able to do. I also have been trying to get over a cold I got after I came home from the hospital, which all three of the boys got as well.
Yesterday we took baby Gabe to the Dr for his two week wellness check up and he is back up to birth weight, which is awesome and definitely a rain for rejoicing! We also had to take Noah with us though, because he was seeming to get worse after feeling better from the cold. He had been awake for two hours in the middle of the previous night. I had as well, because I was experiencing terrible gas pains in my chest and back that made me nearly want to go to the hospital. Anyway, thankfully the pains went away. Noah was diagnosed with strep for the third time in the past several months, but thankfully they were able to give him an antibiotics shot (he does not take medication well or easily).
So I am healing well, Noah will be able to go back to school tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be able to drive soon without feeling light headed.  I do not mean this post to sound ungrateful, we have been very well taken care of by family and friends. Things are just complicated right now.
Update:
Since the birth, I keep going between feeling completely confident in my decisions and guilty/like a failure for not powering through the immense exhaustion and doing the vba2c.  I am now able to drive again and feel fine. I way overdid it yesterday evening so I'm paying for it today. I promised my husband I wouldn't overdo it anymore.