Actually, today isn't what I'm talking about. Day One was the first day I ever experienced symptoms from this disease. I haven't been to a thyroid doctor yet, so I'm not actually sure how long I possibly could have been diagnosed with a thyroid disease, but the first time I ever felt OFF in a big way was when I was 8 years old. I was diagnosed with mild general anxiety, but I still remember the crippling feeling of terror that would creep over me for no reason at all. And being so young, and not knowing what it was, or what could have possibly caused it, I felt imprisoned in my own body. It took a few years to really understand what it was that I was going through, and I learned to accept it. Eventually it got better, and I got more confident. I would still have panic attacks from time to time, but I knew what they were, so it was easier to deal with. Although for many years after that, and sometimes still, I can constantly have unexplained thoughts of anxiety or paranoia.
Fast forward a few years. When i was about 12, I started to gain weight. I was unhappy with my appearance, but whatever I did didn't seem to help. When I was about 14 or 15 I started having episodes of immense fatigue and exhaustion about once a month. The doctor prescribed B vitamins and that seemed to help a bit, but I was particularly sluggish in the summer, and was always sensitive to heat. When I was 16/17, I was working part time, doing pretty well in homeschool, participating in a number of activities, and losing some weight! I was energetic and happy, and enjoying life. I continued to feel this way for the next few years, and really enjoyed going to college and participating in all the activities with that. I very rarely had anxiety attacks, and when I did they were easily dismissed.
Fast forward a few more years, and several back to back life changes. Marriage, having 2 babies, moving, parents moving to germany, etc. During my second pregnancy I was on a very low dose of thyroid hormone, but she said my levels were right on the line of being abnormal, so I wasn't too concerned. I also experienced mild depression for several months during and about 7 months after the pregnancy. Shortly after having baby number two, I experienced periods of intense exhaustion once again, but eventually felt a good deal better after a full recovery. Then there was the move. It was very stressful moving with a two month old and 18 month old. But it all worked out, and life was settling back down.
But then, three months after the move, I had an unexplained panic attack. It was completely unnerving, and pushed me to get a thyroid blood test. When they called with the results, and said they were within normal range, I felt more depressed than I had been in a while. For the next 5 (or so) months, I carried a constant load of anxious and fearful thoughts and feelings in the back of my mind. I finally decided to try to get counseling, and felt quite motivated to get better. At that point, I'd have a few good weeks. Then I'd have a "bad" week, where I'd feel hopelessly depressed one day, sluggish the whole week, and overall negative. I went to counseling for about a month, then they closed for the summer, saying a summer counselor would call me in a few weeks ( last counseling session was the end of april, and I've yet to receive a call). I finally got sick of it. I had a new resolve. I wanted to get tested for Hashimoto's. I knew it was genetic, and my mom has it, so I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and see if I had it. When I requested the tests, the doctors seemed to think it was weird that I even knew what the disease was. They also seemed to think that I should wait until my TSH levels were off before even giving me medicine. I get the feeling that if I hadn't been insistent of the tests, I would've had to wait years until getting diagnosed.
So here I am today, waiting for the appointment with the specialist in November. It was super empowering to get the diagnosis, so it helps me be brave when I get more symptoms (can vary from day to day), but it's still a long time to wait.
Anyway, in the meantime, I will be disclosing day to day what it is like to have Hashimoto's thyroiditis.
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