The first time I ever felt OFF in a big way was when I was 8 years old. It came out of the blue, randomly one day at school. It was a sensation I'd never felt before, and it scared me. I was diagnosed with mild general anxiety, but I still remember the crippling feeling of terror that would creep over me for no reason at all. And being so young, and not knowing what it was, or what could have possibly caused it, I felt imprisoned in my own body. It took a few years to really understand what it was that I was going through, and I learned to accept it. Eventually it got better, and I got more confident. I would still have anxiety from time to time, but I knew what it was, so it was easier to deal with. Although for many years after that, and sometimes still, I can occasionally have unexplained thoughts of anxiety or paranoia.
[[I cannot tell this story without mentioning I've been a Christian active in church participation all my life. I have received much solace through faith, prayer, and the encouragement of regular church fellowship. I believe God is guiding me every step of the way and He hasn't once left my side through my struggles.]]
Fast forward a few years. When i was about 12, I started to gain weight. I was unhappy with my appearance, but whatever I did didn't seem to help. When I was about 14 or 15 I started having episodes of immense fatigue and exhaustion about once a month. The doctor prescribed B vitamins and that seemed to help a bit, but I was particularly sluggish in the summer, and was always sensitive to heat. When I was 16/17, I was working part time, doing pretty well in homeschool, participating in a number of activities, and losing some weight! I was energetic and happy, and enjoying life. I continued to feel this way for the next few years, and really enjoyed going to college and participating in all the activities with that. I barely paid any mind to any symptoms I experienced during this time.
Fast forward a few more years, and several back to back life changes. Marriage in 2010, having 2 babies(2011 and 2012), moving(a few months after having the baby in 2012), parents moving to Germany(military move- they were only there for two years, but still- it was really hard because I've always been close with them and my mom ALWAYS understands whatever issues I'm dealing with, because she has Hashimotos herself. SHE IS MY HERO.), etc. During my second pregnancy I was on a very low dose of levothyroxine, but she said my TSH levels were right on the line of being abnormal(hypothyroidism), so I wasn't too concerned. I also experienced mild depression for several months during pregnancy until about 7 months after the pregnancy. Shortly after having baby number two, I experienced periods of intense exhaustion once again, but eventually felt a good deal better after a full recovery from the C section I had. Then there was the move. It was very stressful moving with a two month old and 18 month old. But it all worked out, and life was settling back down.
But then, three months after the move, I had an unexplained anxiety attack. It was completely unnerving, and pushed me to get a thyroid blood test. When they called with the results, and said they were within normal range, I felt more depressed than I had been in a while. For the next 5 (or so) months, I carried a constant load of anxious and fearful thoughts and feelings in the back of my mind. I felt SO GUILTY that I felt this way even though I have the most wonderful babies and husband, family, and friends. I finally decided to try to get counseling, and felt quite motivated to get better. At that point, I'd have a few good weeks. Then I'd have a "bad" week, where I'd feel hopelessly depressed one day, sluggish the whole week, and overall negative. I went to counseling for about a month, then they closed for the summer, saying a summer counselor would call me in a few weeks ( they NEVER called back- it felt so hopeless!). I finally got sick of it. I had a NEW RESOLVE. I wanted to get tested for Hashimoto's. I knew it was genetic, and my mom has it(she'd been trying to convince me for months, if not a few years, to get tested for it, yet I stubbornly did not [denial much, Brittany?], so I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and see if I had it. I made a doctor's appointment and after telling the doctor I was pretty sure I had postpartum depression, she looked at me and very condescendingly (at least that's how I took it- either way it seemed pretty doggone insensitive)said, "Now was this doctor diagnosed or Brittany diagnosed depression?" When I requested the tests, the doctor seemed to think it was weird that I even knew what the disease was. They also seemed to think that I should wait until my TSH levels were off (out of their "normal" range, which was the common scale of around .5-5.0) before even giving me medicine. I get the feeling that if I hadn't been insistent of the tests, I would've had to wait years until getting diagnosed (when they called me to tell me my antibody levels were high, the nurse was like "I saw the doctor ordered you some crazy test...").
It was super empowering to get the diagnosis! It was such a feeling of RELIEF! The only problem was, they diagnosed me in April, and determined I did not need any medication at that time, and referred me to an endocrinologist, whose presence I would not be graced with until that November (yes, I had to continue to learn things and figure them out for myself for over half a year longer, so pardon my sarcasm). Here's where the sun starts to shine in.
Since I had 7 months to figure out what to do to make myself feel better, I learned A HEAPING TON. I purchased/borrowed books ("Beautiful Inside and Out:Conquering Thyroid Disease with a happy, healthy, "Thyroid Sexy" Life-[ by Gena Lee Nolin & Mary Shomon] being a personal favorite). I did online research (many thanks to the Facebook groups Thyroid Sexy, Hashimoto Happiness, Thyroid Fun, and Hashimotos 411[ there were more, but I have forgotten their names, forgive me]!!). I was given a membership to the local YMCA that year so I worked out in their gym and did some zumba, which I LOVED! Then when the membership expired, I would walk, jog (a little bit), and do workout videos at home. I would hang out with friends often, take my boys to the zoo often, and go to church often.
Finally my endocrinologist appointment came, and it was rather unremarkable for my long wait. I was glad to finally be seeing someone though, and he listened to me. His approach was rather typical (he had my tsh and free t4 checked whenever I would see him, and did one ultrasound of my thyroid- thankfully nothing to be concerned about on there!). My TSH was 3.70 or so, and he agreed to go ahead and put me on Synthroid. Unfortunately, he put me on way too high a dose for just starting on it- .75 mcg. Within a few months, I started feeling MUCH better- for a few weeks. Then I started having hyper symptoms- racing, almost obsessive thoughts, some anxiety, and overall uneasiness. So I called the doctor, and thankfully he decreased my dosage to .50. Everything settled down again.
Then we moved again. However, my parents moved back to the country. Things were easier. The move was somewhat stressful, and made symptoms flare a bit again, but by then I had learned much more through personal research and quickly felt better again through relaxation techniques, online help (the Hashimotos Institue online talks for a week helped a GREAT DEAL!!), and eventually cut out gluten for a few months.
As of right now, I'm going day by day and week by week, concentrating on positive things, and experimenting with different diets. I'm exercising regularly like I haven't done in over a year, and constantly learning more about how to help myself. The Synthroid has certainly helped, at least in some ways. I am overall happy with it, though I have heard it does not work for some. I am often having to consciously force myself to de-stress, and have learned many ways to do this. I often make myself a "nest" to lie in on the floor. It's very grounding and brings comfort and relaxation. I use lavender essential oil to bring feelings of peace and well-being. I pray. I talk to family and friends. I laugh, I dance, I sing, I write, all the time, no matter how I feel.
This, I have learned, is key for me for my healing. And I can honestly say I am thankful for what this journey has taught me- besides factual information, I've learned greater empathy for others, I've gotten stronger, and I have learned to be the BEST advocate for my little boys, if they ever have any issues, especially thyroid related ones.
This journey is far from over. But with hope, positivity, and pro-activity, there is ALWAYS HOPE.
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